Most relationships go through phases where one or both partners have gone off s-èx, but there is no reason to think that the passion has gone forever. Once a pattern is established of having s-èx infrequently, or not at all, it can be hard to get back to a regular and satisfying love life but taking time to understand why you feel less like making love can hep you get your s-èx life back to how you want it.
Apart from simply getting bored with s-èx or losing the habit of making love, many practical factors can affect your feelings: illness, stress, over-tiredness, children who wake in the night or want to sleep in your bed. If you can identify with any of these, you will need to tackle the root cause before you can work on improving your s-èx life.
Continue After The Break
Is s-èx the real problem?
Counsellors often find that lack of s-èxual desire stems from a basic dissatisfaction within a couple's relationship. Common problems include:
Counsellors often find that lack of s-èxual desire stems from a basic dissatisfaction within a couple's relationship. Common problems include:
Drifting apart and losing touch
Feeling taken for granted or neglected
Frequent arguments, nagging
Problems such as money worries, family conflict, work-related stress affairs
Feeling taken for granted or neglected
Frequent arguments, nagging
Problems such as money worries, family conflict, work-related stress affairs
Problems such as these need working through, since only when you feel better about your relationship is there a chance of your s-èx life improving.
Try talking with your partner about how to make things better. Counselling can be very helpful if your problems seem too daunting to tackle alone.
Common s-èx problems
Any of the problems listed here might put you off even trying to have s-èx, yet, all of them can be treated.
Any of the problems listed here might put you off even trying to have s-èx, yet, all of them can be treated.
Difficulty reaching ôrgasm for women, and for men, problems controlling ejaculation or in reaching ôrgasm
Pain during intercourse
Contractions of the muscles around the vágina which make intercourse impossible
Contractions of the muscles around the vágina which make intercourse impossible
For men, not always being able to get or maintain an erection even when you would like to
Working together to improve your s-èx life
Talking about s-èx
Discussing your s-èx life may feel impossible, but you can learn ways to make this delicate subject more approachable. The following talking techniques come from Sarah Litvinoff's helpful book, The Relate Guide to S-èx in Loving Relationships.
Talking about s-èx
Discussing your s-èx life may feel impossible, but you can learn ways to make this delicate subject more approachable. The following talking techniques come from Sarah Litvinoff's helpful book, The Relate Guide to S-èx in Loving Relationships.
"Get comfortable with s-èx as a topic by talking about it generally. Watch television programmes or read magazine articles on s-èx, then talk about them. Start being more open about your feelings.
Going for a walk together can be a good way to have a relaxed chat, which doesn't turn into a confrontation.
It can be easier to talk about s-èx out of bed to start with. Later, you may be able to talk while you make love.
Be sensitive to your partner's feelings when you talk about s-èx. For instance, if your partner suggests trying something new, don't reject the idea out of hand.
You might agree to try something you feel dubious about, on the understanding that you take it gradually and stop if you don't like it.
Try to keep an open mind, and come up with new ideas between you. Lovemaking can easily become routine, and adding one or two new elements can help to bring back the excitement.
Many useful books are available on s-èx technique, which could give you some inspiration.
The time, the place
A big problem for many couples is finding a time for s-èx when they aren't too exhausted to enjoy it. Get your diaries out, and book a time when you are both free to make love. Or arrange a night in a hotel - a change of scenery often works wonders.
A big problem for many couples is finding a time for s-èx when they aren't too exhausted to enjoy it. Get your diaries out, and book a time when you are both free to make love. Or arrange a night in a hotel - a change of scenery often works wonders.
Make the surroundings warm and atmospheric. Soft music, candles, wine can all help to put you in the mood.
Ensure your privacy. Send children off to stay with friends or relatives overnight, or get someone to take them out for an afternoon.
Relate s-èx therapy
Relate employs specially trained s-èx therapists that will be able to help you get to the root of your s-èxual problems and regain an active s-èx life. Contact your nearest
Relate employs specially trained s-èx therapists that will be able to help you get to the root of your s-èxual problems and regain an active s-èx life. Contact your nearest
Relate to make an appointment with a s-èx therapist: Find your nearest Relate. Relate findings showed that three-quarters of women whose problem was lack of desire, enjoyed s-èx more after they had had therapy.
What happens in s-èx therapy?
First, you will meet with a s-èx therapist. The therapist will take time to explore with you what you might want to achieve or change in your s-èxual relationship and what the reasons behind this might be.
First, you will meet with a s-èx therapist. The therapist will take time to explore with you what you might want to achieve or change in your s-èxual relationship and what the reasons behind this might be.
The therapist will talk with you about the best way forward in your circumstances.
Where Relate can help, you will have regular hourly sessions with your s-èx therapist during which you will be given a programme of exercises to try at home and discuss your progress (you will never be asked to undertake any s-èxual tasks during a session).
If the main problem is loss of desire, you can try the sensate focus programme. This is designed to put you back in touch with the physical and emotional sensations you get from touching each other, while removing any pressure to perform.
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